Let’s talk about what parents don’t like to talk about

Nothing is worse for a parent than the death of a child — but there’s a close runner-up

Not many parents, I find, are keen to discuss their worst nightmare. They don’t cotton to hearing about a situation they’d consider Hell on earth.

I get that. Before my divorce, I would have felt the same way.

The situation is parental alienation: i.e., in cases of divorce or separation, a child is converted to the unwarranted view that the other parent is undeserving of love or respect, or even is malevolent and dangerous.

The converted child can cut the parent out of their lives completely, along with that parent’s side of the family: aunts, uncles, cousins, even Grandma and Grandpa.

This degree of estrangement is also known as erasure.

As parents, we expect that one day, our children will grow up, leave the nest, and become independent adults. They’ll call us and visit us less often than we’ll care for.

But erasure is worse. Erasure means not being able to see your child or even get that child on the phone. It means Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, or Thanksgiving without so much as a nod of acknowledgement from the child.

To be sure, nothing is worse for a parent than the death of a child. But a close runner-up is being dead to one’s own children.

Observers of erasure may think that such an extreme step must have an underpinning of logic: the parent must have done something bad.

Not always so:

• Erasure may be fueled by the child’s inability or refusal to deal with conflict with the parent.
• In cases of parental alienation, the child has been coached or pressured to reject the other parent.
• It’s also possible the adult child has a significant other or peer group who encourages the erasure, validating it as self-determination or independence.

The Pollyannish view about parental alienation and erasure is that one happy day, when the children become adults, they’ll magically “come around,” to reconcile with the alienated parent, for good.

This may not be so. Optimism that sunny — “Everything will work out,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or even “God has a plan” — is complacent denial. It’s an understandable, but ultimately unhelpful, response to the problem.

Here are some common erasure situations, with a suggested response:

Situation: Jeremy hasn’t spoken to his father in years. Jeremy’s friend Todd is saddened by this, so he tries to get Jeremy to talk about the issues motivating the erasure. Todd’s attempts to “fix” the situation tend to make things worse: even when Todd tries respectfully to question Jeremy’s claims about his father, Jeremy only gets more upset and withdrawn.

Approach: If Todd is not a therapist, he shouldn’t try to be one. Todd could tell Jeremy, sympathetically: “I’m sad to see how you and your Dad are estranged. I hope one day you both reconcile, because I think you’ll both be happy.”

Situation: Because Sally knows that Bill is an erased parent, she not only doesn’t ask Bill if he’s heard from his children, she never even mentions his children’s names. Sally thinks she’s sparing Bill heartache, but it is more upsetting to Bill that Sally treats him as if he never had children. That further negates Bill’s identity as a father.

Approach: Sally might ask Bill, “Do you mind if I ask after your children?” and see how Bill responds. Bill may be eager to share happy memories of his children as a way of keeping them present in his life.

Situation: Alice has a daughter, Sarah, who refuses all contact with her, and today is Sarah’s birthday. Alice sent Sarah a card, but she has no way of knowing if her daughter even opened it. Alice checks her phone and email more often than usual today, but no one calls, no one texts.

Approach: Alice gets a text from her sister: I’m thinking of you today, on Sarah’s birthday. I know you are doing all you can, to reconcile with her. If you need someone to listen to you today, I’m here: call me anytime. I love you, and I want to do whatever I can to help and support you.

The more you learn about parental alienation and erasure, the better equipped you are to respond to it and, God forbid, survive it if you experience it yourself. An Internet search on these topics will yield plenty of information, and talking to alienated or erased parents is not only informative: it can help the parents feel heard.